so after reading that last post and coming from the bible study i was just at...

i realize that maybe i've been keeping it the wrong kind of real with people.
i've been relying too much on emotions. i've been doing things based on how i feel and not on what the word says, and it's my job to live by the word.
so basically i'm f'ing up.

but i'm gonna be totally humble about it. if anybody wants to call me out on whatever, i'm not gonna rush to prove myself right so much anymore.
most likely i'm gonna be wrong. it doesn't matter how i try and justify my actions, if it's not of God or related to Him, it's of the world. and i can't live of this world. i have to be different. even if i end up looking weird or like a freak because of it. i'm called to press on. Jesus, himself, says in John 15: 18-19:
"If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me. If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God's terms and no longer on the world's terms, the world is going to hate you."
so that's it right there folks. i can't do these things i know are against him still knowing i'm in the shield of His grace. that's basically taking advantage. i feel like certain circumstances have taken me backwards once again.
i feel like i was searching entirely too hard for something that was not God. waisting my time with that instead of spending it trying to come closer to Him.
that's not to say i was just ignoring Him. i pray every night. i read my Bible pretty often. but that's not enough when i know as much as i do and i'm as close as i am to Him.
it's like i'm doing the one thing that i hate when other people do. i HATE it when people KNOW the word and KNOW the bible and STILL choose to sin.
i mean i'm not drinking and having sex every night while smoking crack laced with ecxtasy or anything like that. i just have my own personal problems that i feel like i'm holding back from God and he wants them and i can't seem to give them away.
well, tonight i'm done. i was inspired by people doin it just like me who got past all this crap that i still hold back from him.
another scripture that spoke to me was Hebrews 12: 14-17:
"Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God's blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears."
Talk about conviction. it's like he knows right where i'm at and knows EXACTLY what to say to me. ya know?
well f(orget) that. i'm no esau. i have to move forward like never before.
if you see me slippin, call me out. PLEASE.
i've ignored it, but i can't do that so much anymore.
i'm giving it all to Him.
everything.
repentance is necessary for forgiveness.
the condition of the heart is SO important. to WILLfully sin and go against God is so dangerous, esPECIALLY when you know what's right. shoot.
you have to turn from your sinful ways and change your thinking and lifestyle when you repent in order to be forgiven.
i know i've been called to be a witness, so that's what i'm gonna do.

oh Lord, help me. lol
this is gon' be a toughie.