sent to jeremy today

God has really been speaking to me through you lately.
it's kind of freaking me out but at the same time it's awesome because i KNOW that it's god.
i mean last week i wasn't even going to show up cuz i heard i wasn't playing. i thought i'd take a week off or whatev. i ended up going cuz i had to be at the church for some july 3rd video and figured i'd stop by.
your sermon Then called right out to me! but then, like i said, i made a decision. there wasn't really a stirring in my heart, but i knew what was right and what was wrong and what God said i needed to do. but even after that, i've been staying up all night just freaking out and getting lost in my problems a lot. but even through that, i've been reading my word a lot more. and the pastor's sermon really called out to me today.
from the death of mother to the lust issues/ Even the cursing and occasional cigs. all of that was really in my heart and i felt god telling me this isn't what he called me for.
i still feel him telling me what he wants me to be. he wants me to be some sort of pastor and speak his word, but i feel like i really haven't been living like he wants me to live. and when i was praying at that altar by myself, i really just cried out to him and asked for forgiveness and comfort and guidance. i really just want to be want he wants me to be. and when you came over and basically prayed everything that i cried out to god for him to do word for word, i knew he was really speaking to me.
and i saw you talking to other people so i didn't really go into detail about all this then, but when i said thank you, i really meant it.
thank you so much.

a comment i posted on jeremy's blog

soooo
i’m feeling kinda weird talking about this because i’ve wanted to for a while but as much as i know christians aren’t supposed to judge, i know they do. and i don’t want to be.
however at this moment i’m trusting god to deliver me with these things that i struggle with.
i struggle with masturbation, sex, oral. all of that i’ve done and i struggle with even now. i’m blessed t have found a gf who doesn’t place value on that like my other ones have however we still mess up sometimes. but this is a chick i plan to marry in the future and at this moment i’m deciding not to have sex with her AGAIN until we do get married.
however i know that saying this is a lot easier than actually going through with it. even now i feel like it’s not a “spur of the moment emotion” kind of thing. i’m making a DECISION and sticking to it. so just pray for me and pray that god will see me through this. i know i’m delivered of this, but i’ve been delivered of this before too.
but this is the first time i’m asking to be held accountable. so please keep me in your prayers mr. jeremy.

Unconditional Love

I tried to look up something to help me describe this feeling that i have, but i couldn't find anything, so i'll just wing it.

i'm currently in love with this girl. last night she brought a word to my attention that describes the sort of love we share for each other: "unconditional."
now this is a term usually used for god and his love for us, but i also believe that in mirroring that sort of love we can find the basis for a true long lasting relationship.
no matter what happens, at the end of the day i know i love her and that she loves me. we have our problems that we have to deal with that are out of our control. honestly it would be easier if we weren't together. but that's where the unconditional love comes into play. i love her too much to just take the easy way out. if it gets hard, then that's too damn bad. i wouldn't give her up for anything. i'm sure that's how she feels as well. otherwise she would've dropped me a long time ago.
i also believe that understanding is an extremely key part of any relationship. i honestly believe that there is no one on this planet who understands me better than she. and with that understanding, i've found a sense of relief. that sort of relief is another thing that keeps me with her. i don't have to be on edge or worry about her and other guys or anything of the sort. i can honestly relax and know that i'm hers and she's mine.
and with that sort of relief, unconditional love comes easy.
maybe i'm just ranting. i don't know. but i do know that i've found true love. i've found unconditional love and i praise god for it.
i'm happy.

makin music with john mayer

today

mother's funeral was absolutely beautiful.
crystal got to go.
i'm being sociable.
i love my family.
i'm gonna miss mother.
a lot.

one god.

I just

had another one of those stupid dreams.
this time it was andrea, my gay friend i went to summer camp with.
she's a carpet muncher! lol WTF

BRAIN IS FOR LOVERS

i love NERD.
KANYE WEST was awesome.
LUPE killed it as well of course.
rihanna...? i liked her band! but wasn't to excited for her.
glad i went with everybody (tamar, herbie, patience, crystal, sarah b, jamie r)
glad i met up with devin and trisha.
glad i had a good time.
:]


ps. bow wow and chris brown were randomly on stage with NERD which was awesome but random and crunk at the same time.