i guess there's a reason for it...

G: so, you seem pretty down lately. watsup?
J:...alot
crystal's been grounded for like the past 2 months so i NEVER see her
i'm always at friggin church cuz i do everything there. i'm in the band, i'm in like 3 choirs...ugh...sucks
and i work all the friggin time
and i'm just getting more and more pissed off.
i think i might snap on somebody soon.
G: hm, i'm sorry.
well maybe you should like chill with the whole church thing. cuz i mean what's the point of being there if you don't enjoy it anymore? plus you're already uber involved, so maybe dropping one activity or two might not hurt...
me and you should hang out soon on one of your free days. i'll help you relax :] maybe this next weekend? if you're not busy w/ all that stuff that is.
J: well it's not that i don't enjoy it,
it's just i'm losing time for myself.
cuz when i'm there, most of the time i love it. i love playing guitar! i love to sing!
but i get home and just make myself frustrated
idk alot of the stuff ended this weekend so maybe i'll have time to myself...
well...the days i'm not working anyways...
which is sunday...
when i'll probably have a rehearsal...
F!
G: i gotcha. well then hopefully things wil wind down a little soon.
aw pobresito.
haha f. you're cute.
so is sunday the only day you have off?
J: sort of...
i have church all day on sunday...
so no freetime this week
G: hm, well isn't that a stinker. well hopefully i'll see you soon. maybe wednesday, if i'm not at the hospital.
J: ya i know
i'm prayin for u about that one
hope everything gets better for u over there.
i guess i'm pretty much stuck in my angry frustrated state that i'm in.
G: yea, she is looking better tho. she started chemo a couple days ago too.
haha well i hope that gets better for you too.
J: oh i do too. trust.
well besides all that, how's ur life?
G: well besides school sucking. and my brothers being douches. and the ocational ass beating. and the constant feeling of failure and loneliness. and being forcibly medicated again. and these bad bad urges/cravings i've been getting a lot recently. i've been pretty dandy.
J: well that sounds pretty dandy.
lol jk
but seriously. yea i'm sorry it's not too happy around there. tough it out babe. what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. whatever you do, don't use it as a crutch. use what you're going through as a reason to look for strength and guidance through HIM.
feel me?
i know it's hard. i'm struggling myself actually. so i totally feel ya.
tough it out. it's all we can do.
i think deep down, ur stronger than u think u are. ;]
G: yea, i've been working pretty hard on all of that. it's just hard with other ppl constantly tearing me down. but only two years and im out. that'll solve atleast 1/3 of my problems.

i've been trying to look at my life more positivelly too, and really appreciate the beautiful things. it's amazing what you come to realize when you just reflect a little.

i've been wanting to get more in touch with my spirituality, but idk i guess i would just feel like a total hypocrite. like that last time i went to church w/ the cross it sucked cuz i wanted to be relieved and i wanted to stop all those things but i knew i wouldn't. i mean, i haven't yet and i don't want to, but i just feel like any moment now i'm just gonna give in and throw it all away. i know i'm better than all this. i'm above it, but man.

let's hope you're right. and we both get through it.
J: well if u woulda come wed, u woulda heard jeremy talk about it.
all of us pretty much went back and struggled with what we were saved of. we struggle with the temptations and sometimes we give in.
however that night, if not any other, we found that our new identity is in christ. he died so that we could be forgiven for the things that we struggle with.
so ur not a hypocrite. i'm right there with you hon.
but yea. i'm headed to bed.
crystal couldn't talk to me so i'm just gonna clock out tonight.
i love you